I'm beginning to understand why humans have midlife crises. at fifteen, I blogged about how to avoid such a crisis by simply remaining true to who you are. though that post rots somewhere on xanga, if the site even still exists, I have to admit...

I was onto something.

but I didn't listen to myself. it all eroded away so slowly that I didn't quite notice how bad it had gotten until, looking back, I didn't recognize that fifteen-year-old self. I didn't recognize my own desires or what the hell was 'true to me' anymore. it was like looking at a stranger in the mirror.

"what's your dream job?" an old boss asked me a few years ago. I froze and thought, "well, what am I allowed to want?" not even an inkling of an answer. just a resigned, "what are my options?"

that was the final straw. I wish I could say it all changed once I put my mind to it. but honestly, my mind has a habit of getting in the way of things. in a way, I had to lose my mind before I could find myself again.

if I took a shot for all the times my business partner and I say "shadow work" on our pagan podcast, I'd be dead. it's the answer to a lot more than you think. but real talk, shadow work hurts. it's ripping away the safety net you think is holding everything together. it's not, but you're not certain yet. and that's scary as hell.

but it's worth it. every time. whenever you have the distinct privilege of knocking down an inner demon masquerading as a spirit guide, you get that much closer to your truth. without that, life's just not worth a damn.

several painful truths recently rocked my reality – including a cptsd evaluation – and that amnesia monster tried real hard to maintain the lies I had been told in life: you're fine, you just have to put your mind to it.

rest in pieces, amnesia.

with haunted sincerity,
🦇 rayne (they/them)